Jesus, My Redeemer, My Friend,
We haven’t spoken much individually lately. I mean my verbal prayers are to You and God, but just You, in writing, has slipped from my routine. I mean I was doing my Bible Study and my verbal praying like always, but I still wasn’t feeling that old “connected” feeling.
Then while I was lamenting to Anita over the way I had behaved in a situation, she said that I was really extremely hard on myself, and asked me what You would have said to me in regards to my behavior, and …suddenly I was crying as I imagined what Your kind words to me would have been. And then I cried that Scott was moving out, and when I thought how the time of inside jokes had passed, I cried some more! Then I talked about how I wished I had a partner – someone with whom to share the “remember when’s” and inside jokes, and…MORE TEARS! Weird, first because I am not one who cries a lot, and second because I have chosen being alone.
Her final words to me were “You and Jesus need to talk.” I knew she was right.
In defense of my tears, though, when you look at my life through a certain lens, things are really sad! I don’t have a life-long love. The time to have developed a relationship that included a collection of shared memories or inside jokes has passed. I don’t have a wealth of wonderful experiences like trips and vacations and stuff. I don’t have a “paid for” home that I can amend to my needs – in fact, that I have never purchased a home is shameful to me. And but for seven months of my entire adulthood, I have never made a “comfortable income.”
In reality, my current situation has always been my worst nightmare and greatest fear. I’m waiting for subsidized housing and have to eliminate half of the items I kept out of love and respect for my grandparents. Not one bit of my life has gone the way I thought it would just naturally progress. I mean I know it could be worse, but on the face of it, it IS the worst.
There is no denying that my life has been horrible, some of it due to my own errors. However, a greater part of my miserable life has been the result of things that were beyond my control – and that is what really infuriates me!
BUT then, Jesus, there’s You and Abba! You have proven time and again that You’re both intricately involved in my life, and I am so blessed! I have grown so much, personally and spiritually over the years, and I like myself. It seems disrespectful to complain!
Really, the struggle is within myself. “Susan the person” is so offended looking at her life, feeling stupid for not seeing what she obviously needed to see, regretting some choices, angry about it all. And in human terms, the ones by which the world judges, her anger is justified and totally correct!
I, though, prefer to give “Susan the person” little purchase in myself – I really want “Susan the Child of God” to dominate in this life. But I guess I need to honor or at least acknowledge Susan the person’s feelings – to identify them, give them form, hear them, determine any action that should be taken because of them, and when it’s time, release them. I have known that was the way to treat emotional feelings since college, however, that “Head Knowledge” has never affected my own behavior of “focusing on the good at all costs!”
OF COURSE I’d rather skip all that and just focus on the good stuff – the love and respect of family, friends and even strangers; the money I might make through the sale of all my stuff; how much easier my life will be once I’ve moved; how happy I am that Scott is moving on with his own life; that I no longer have to feel like an albatross around his neck (my description – never his;) and how, through it all, I know that God is in control! All of this is true and real and going on, too.
But if I try to deny the bad, I know from recent experience that I taint the good, in large part because “Susan the person” keeps slipping out, hurting others with her bitter tongue and negating any attempts to glorify You!
Jesus, did You just read what I read? Going through my dark feelings is part of the journey to truly glorifying You the way I want!
Whoa. I didn’t see THAT coming.
With this new thought in mind, Jesus, I ask You to be there with me so I have the guts to see everything from my human perspective. I feel like I should pursue and identify all of them – not missing even one – so that they can be addressed in a loving way. So that angry, confused, hurt human Susan can feel validated and receive all the love that Susan the Child of God can give her, as You have demonstrated time and again.
It won’t be easy and there will be a lot of tears, and I will be completely wiped out afterwards, but now I can see that there is value to doing it. I probably won’t do it perfectly, but as things come to light, I will address them as I can, keeping the goal in mind.
I must say Anita was right, Jesus. Thank You again for placing her in my life, and thank You for spending some time with me – and giving me this revelation!