Stayed Tuned!

July 22, 2017

Okay God, I’ll admit, in writing, that I’m depressed. One of the biggest signs is that I’m overeating, a lot. Other signs include the fact that I’m not planning, I’m not working on the book, and I don’t care to try to converse with my neighbors – although admittedly that is hard to do for a variety of reasons.

Some of the potential causes include facts like my home isn’t done because of the limits MS has placed on me (love it when the effects of the disease are so in-my-face) and though it has all been very positive, moving is huge change.  And did I mention that three months later, I still have pictures to be hung and boxes to get through?

But I know the biggest reason is Scott’s upcoming move and the recent change in our relationship – things that are healthy and normal! So then I naturally flog myself a little.

I once again find I’m quite self-focused, never a totally good way to be. How do I really feel about my current circumstances?

• I’m relieved to be in my new place – easy to get around, lower rent, more freedom to go out and about, etc, but I’m still in a SENIOR facility. AND my age makes me qualify for it.

• All my friends are becoming grandparents – and it looks as though this too will pass me by. Really bummed about that – for a LOT of reasons.

• I’m no one’s first thought. Also hurts. I so appreciate that my family takes such great care of me, but it would be nice if I had a man whose first thoughts/considerations were about me. That fake guy opened my eyes/heart to feelings I had shut off in about 1987, and I miss thinking that I might have it again after all.

• And the light of my life, Scott, is moving on. I’m so proud of him for making his dreams come true, but I’m about to be a different kind of alone. Seriously alone.

Wah-wah, Susan-the-person! Let’s turn this stone called your life and view it from another facet, if we can.

• This new place is the first one I’ve ever decorated for myself alone. I am not considering how anyone with testosterone is going to feel here. It’s MY place! It’s great that, after over thirty years I get to do that! And, I am the youngest one here.

• I truly don’t know what the future holds for me – so the current state of grandchildren and a love are not absolutes!

• I’ve never been alone – something I’ve longed for since I was in my twenties! Now I know that I never have been nor will be alone; God has been with you every step of the way. I just want someone with skin. A partner for the rest of my life.

• Getting back to the future – it’s currently blank! OK, I made some HUGE mistakes 40 years ago, and I had to work long and hard to overcome them. And OK, I have a disease that has stolen a great portion of my past. But I have about a third of my life that I get to do my own way – which includes a maturing open relationship with Christ! I get to write it the way I want to, unburdened by caring for grandchildren or children who can’t function as adults because of their growing up experiences.

So, to summarize, Susan, Child-of-God, you and I control the next thirty years or so. How do you want to use them to satisfy yourself?

• I will continue honoring God and shining His Light for all to see

• I will validate myself by finishing the damn book, getting it published and traveling to publicize it

• I will lose weight and continue caring for my body in the ways I’ve learned to combat the MS – being my best physical me, which also honors God

• I will more actively “put myself out there” to make it easier for a guy to find me.

• Smiling, laughing, loving, living my life to my fullest abilities!

Yes, your life is changing, Susan. With this change however, you are in a nice place financially, spiritually and emotionally. It’s all yours – go make it as great as you want it to be!

Update:  Saturday, August 5, 2017 I had a first date with a wonderful guy, and he’s asked me out again!